07 May 2011

my mama, yo mama

On the occasion of my 3rd Mother's Day, as an actual mama...

How much has changed. 

mommy & me | her first mother's day
Since losing my own beloved mother to cancer in 1995, I spent almost a decade and a half avoiding Mother's Day. I limped around with a reopened heart wound each year. I avoided all signs of other people celebrating with their moms. In fact, witnessing any daughter and mother interacting (at any time of year) would sometimes send me into a spiral of envy and grief. How I wanted that type of connection--in our case, absolute love and understanding--back.

Now? Hmm, now Mother's Day is a mix. Which is, trust me, a huge improvement.

mama & J | my first mother's day

The painful, unchanged reality of her absence all these years is always in my face, but it's now soothed so greatly by the sweet, innocent, pure joy of a new, budding life. A house full of toddler shrieks and laughter. New beginnings every day. A young life that traces its roots back to her. Directly back to her denim-blue eyes and zany silliness. She is with me again.

Of course, it's the same way that Jacky embodies all those who love him: he has my mother-in-law's throaty laugh, my biological father's freckles (count 'em: 3 now!), his father's sweetly curved upper lip, my toes (like, exactly, since day one) and on and on.

Bringing this special little person into the world is an act of beautiful expression. And, this new job that I have, this mothering, is by far the best job that I've had. It's a privilege, and it brings me peace.

I hope you all, whether you're a mother, a mother's child or someone who simply cares and nurtures, I hope you have a day (and more) filled with hugs, kisses, fulfillment and peace. Pay that love forward.



  1. Loved this post. Loved every single word. You know I have a special place in my heart for your beautiful mom. What a wonderful woman and she raised such an amazing daughter. Seeing you last week in mama-action was such a blessing to me. I am so proud of you and so thankful to have been with you on this journey of friendship and now mutual-motherhood. I love you. xoxo

  2. That was beautiful. My close friend lost her mother to cancer when she was pregnant with her first and it was/has been very tough and healing. Thank you for sharing your connection to your family in such a personal loving way.

  3. Thanks, Nanny. I love you too xoxo

    Desi, that's heartbreaking. All the worst and all the best of life, all at once. Sigh.

  4. I read this Saturday night, but am coming back to it. Thank you for posting this. I find something very cathartic about reading (or sharing) a story so personal. I hope you do too. And I hope your mother's day was magical. xxx

    p.s. so looking forward to hanging out with you this summer!

  5. thanks Jora... totally cathartic for me too. Though, sharing this openly is something I'm still learning to do. It's a process .... and, yes, this summer! can't, can't wait.

  6. I am also grateful you shared more of your story. I can only imagine how bittersweet Mother's Day is when you've lost your mom. But I am sure your mother is SO proud of the mother you've become. xo


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